Lyude's Tragic Lifestory
by Videogamatic
Summary: Basically, a parody of Lyude's tragic life from his recruitment, exile, and so forth. Rated for foul language and random humor throughout. I'm warning you...


VGA: So yeah, this is a response to the Randomness Galore topic in the Writing Challenges forum. Basically, this is just a parody of Lyude's tragic life story. If you don't like crack fics or foul language, stay away. If you do, welcome! Oh, and also, this fic does not make fun of just Lyude, but all the other characters as well. So I don't want to get any flames saying, "HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN OF LYUDE!?!?!" or, "YOU'RE A HORRIBLE BITCH THAT DESERVES TO BURN IN HELL FOR INSULTING OUR LYUDE!!!!!" or anything like that. If I do, I'll simply delete it. And now...

(Cue the angsty, melodramatic music)

**Lyude's Tragic Life Story**

Lyude: I am Lyude of Alfard. I come from a wealthy aristocratic family in the golden city of Mintaka. You would think that I would be one of the happiest people in the world, but I'm not. I'm a emotional wreck, damn it!! Anyway, I will now be emo and tell my tragic life story. It all started but a few days ago...

**(A few days ago)**

Lyude: I just don't understand. Everything I do seems pointless! Day after day, I lock myself in my room and feel sorry for myself while cutting my wrists. I must do something with my life! I need a sign! Tell me, Magic 8 Ball! What should I do!? (Shakes Magic 8 Ball)

Magic 8 Ball: Try again later

Lyude: Damn you Magic 8 Ball!!

Almarde: Lyude, why not join the Imperial Army?

Lyude: Of course! It gives me the chance to help my crappyass country and commit suicide at any moment's notice! Thank you Magic 8 Ball!! (Leaves)

Almarde: Finally, I got that emotional wreck out of the house. Now if I could just find that Giacomo's phone number...

**(At the Imperial Palace)**

Lyude: Here I am, the Imperial Palace. Man, this place needs a serious paint job.

(Folon came out of nowhere)

Folon: Yo

Lyude: A smurf!

Folon: I ain't no fucking smurf! Who the hell are you anyway? Are you one of those drug dealers?

Lyude: I'm Lyude. I'm here to join the Imperial Army, so that I can do something with my pathetic life

Folon: Good luck with that, Geldoblame is hard to negotiate with. Here comes His Fatass now!

(Geldoblame came out of nowhere)

Lyude: Yo Fatass! Can I get a job here?

Geldoblame: Do you have any experience killing innocent people?

Lyude: Well, I shot down a couple of rabbits in Deer Hunt-

Geldoblame: You're hired

Lyude: Sweet!

Geldoblame: Your first mission is to go to Azha and shoot down any slackers. I'll be in my hot tub if you need me (Leaves)

Lyude: My first mission... I will not fail you Magic 8 Ball!! (Leaves)

Folon: Emos...

**(At Azha)**

Lyude: This fire! These ashes! The aroma of blood wafting around me, the agonized screams of women and children! This is not good for my complexion!

(The Commander Dude came out of nowhere)

Commander Dude: Lyude! Why aren't you killing people with your kickass sonic rifle? (It's called a sonic rifle, right?)

Lyude: All this suffering and torture is ruining my hair! Look, I'm getting split ends!

Commander Dude: Who cares!?

Lyude: ...Who cares? _Who cares!?_ If everyone in this world said, "who cares?" then we'd all look like shit, like you!

Commander Dude: That's it! I'm gonna court martial your ass so hard, your ass spine'll be crooked for years!!!

Lyude: Shit

**A****t Geldoblame's office)**

Geldoblame: Lyude, I'm very disappointed in you. You've only worked here for two and a half minutes, and I'm already gonna have to punish you!

Lyude: Your Fatass, I can explain, the 8 Ball put me up to it!

Geldoblame: That may be, but you interrupted my hot tub time! The punishment is... DEATH!!!

Lyude: DEATH!?!? (Falls into a coma)

Geldoblame: Sorry, I sneezed. What I meant to say was... EXILE!!!

Lyude: (Still in a coma)

**(At the Mintakan docks)**

Lyude: Farewell my friends. I shall earnestly think of you each day. But alas, the winds have guided me to other lands, in search of happiness, contentment, and adventure. Later suckers!! (Jumps into the ship and leaves)

Skeed: About time that emotional wreck left. What should we do now?

Vallye: Party time!

Almarde: I still haven't found that Giacomo's phone number

Folon: Emos...

**(At Nashira)**

Lyude: Ah, this salty air... It should exfoliate my pores quite nicely.

(A Little Girl came out of nowhere)

Little Girl: Mr. Emo Sir, can I have a ride in your boat?

Lyude: Hell no!! Do I look like some kind of pedophile to you!? Go rape some other innocent bystander you little sicko!!

Little Girl: Asshole!! (Kicks Lyude in the shin)

Lyude: The people here are so kind!

(A Cloudgull flew by)

Lyude: Such a magnificent creature... (Pulls out a gun and shoots down the Cloudgull) Tonight, I shall eat like a king!

(Kalas and Xelha came)

Kalas: Hey you! With the hair and the pants!

Lyude: Another smurf!

Xelha: Sir, would you happen to be one of those malicious, bloodthirsty Imperials?

Lyude: Why yes, yes I am. I am Lyude, I come from Mintaka, the city of gold, happiness, and stripper bars. I was exiled here for interrupting His Fatass's hot tub time and talking shit to my commander. Despite that, I am quite content with living in this rundown village. The people here are so kind, wanna see the scar the creepy little girl gave me?

Kalas: Uh, hell no.

Xelha: Listen sir, we really-

Lyude: Speaking of scars, I have a lot of them. Most of them are from when my brother and sister beat the crap out of me on a daily basis. I also have some on my wrists. You know, wrist cutting is quite addictive, like smoking pot. My next door neighbor smokes pot. I tried it once. I started having seizures at ten minute intervals. Have you met my friend Magic 8 Ball? He's quite reliable... blah blah blah blah...

Kalas: Psst, let's get the hell out here!

Xelha: You're right. Damn, this guy's emotionally screwed.

(Kalas and Xelha left)

Lyude:...Blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah...

**(Five Hours Later)**

Lyude:... So then he was like... And then she said... And I was like "No way sister"!

(A brick hit Lyude in the head)

Lyude: What the fuck? Hey, there's a note attached to this random brick!

Note: Dear Lyude, we are now laying siege at Castle Elnath. So shut the hell up and get your scrawny, half Azhani ass over here!! Signed, Commander Dude. PS,This note will self destruct in five seconds

Lyude: My commander is here too? Damn, I'll have to take shelter in the tavern's toilet. Speaking of toilets, the one at the palace is quite shiny, like Magic 8 Ball. Speaking of balls-

(The note blew up)

**(At the Embassy House thingy)**

Lyude: Sir! This is madness! If we keep killing innocent people like this, then we'll all suffer from damaged folicles!

Commander Dude: Silence you stupid piece of shit! You want more more than another exile?

Lyude: Would it happen to be strawberry flavored?

Commander Dude: No, but I got pina colada

**(At the Elnath Bridge thingy)**

Commander Dude: Okay Ayme, your mission is to kill that dragqueen Ladekahn

Lyude: Kill the the king!? That's horrible! It's diabolical! It's dispicable! It's heinous! It's satanic! I love it!! Please continue!!

Knight Dude: Judging from that imbecile's ranting, I'd say they're planning to kill you!

Ladekahn: Nonsense! They've offered me a bowl of Fruit Loops to do this! No way I'm missing on a bowl of sugary cereal! If I die, tell my wife that I've cheating on her with Anna all these years. Farewell, my friends! (Leaves dramatically)

Knight Dude: He sacrifices so much for us!! (Starts crying uncontrollably)

Commander Dude: Ready?

Ayme: Damn right

Ladekahn: I've come out like you requested. Where are my Fruit Loops?

Ayme: (Shoots down Ladekahn)

Lyude: (In slow motion) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**(From the Rafters)**

Kalas: Hey, isn't that the emotionally screwed dude we saw earlier?

Xelha: Damn

Gibari: We better get down there before it gets ugly

Kalas: Like your back hair?

Gibari: Fuck you!! (Punches Kalas)

(They jumped from the rafters. Kalas broke his spine)

Kalas: (On the floor) My spine!!

Xelha: Oh shut up Kalas

Gibari: Xelha, you go help the dragqueen, me and Kalas will go team up with that loser over there and try to be heroic and shit. Damn it Kalas, quit crying!!

Kalas: But it hurts...!!

Gibari: Insolence!! (Steps on Kalas' wrist)

Lyude: Friends! (Runs over to the others)

Kalas: Oh no, he's coming!

Gibari: Quick! Break out the Peach Boy!!

Kalas: Ooh, you're too late.

Gibari: What do you mean, "too late"?

Kalas: I ate him

Gibari: You what!?!?

Lyude: Sup guys? Have you met Magic 8 Ball?

Commander Dude: Lyude, you traitor!! How dare you side with enemy!?

Lyude: I'm just showing them Magic-

Commander Dude: Bullshit!! Ayme, take out this piece of shit along with everyone else!! I'm gonna get myself a smoothie! (Leaves)

Ayme: Come, Cybertron!!

(Ayme got into a Transformer thingy)

Lyude: Careful, this is one of Alfard's prototype war machines. We must be quick and agile, or it will blow us up like stopped up toilets. Now, it is evil and runs on electricity, so aqua and light based attacks would probably work best. I suggest we-

Kalas: RAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Kalas tried to attack the Transformer, which kicked his ass in half a second)

Lyude: Allright then...

Gibari: You said that aqua attacks work, right?

Lyude: Uh, yeah?

Gibari: Eat my chunk of ice!! (Throws a chunk of ice at the Transformer)

Lyude: Uh, I don't think that worked

Gibari: No shit. Your advice sucks

(The Transformer shot down Gibari)

Lyude: Friends! It looks like it all up to me. But don't worry, I feel confident in my skills.

Ayme: You've only been in the army for two and a half minutes

Lyude: Silence you whore!! Overture!!

(The Transformer got sliced in half)

Ayme: That cost $29.95!! I'll get my revenge!! (Flys away on her hover boots)

Lyude: I actually did it! What now, bitches!! (Starts break dancing)

**(At the throne room)**

Xelha: Your higness, how do you feel?

Ladekahn: I feel like crap. Those motherfuckers never gave me the Fruit Loops like they promised!! So what do I get instead? A gunshot to my crotch!!

Lyude:Your Dragqueen, I apoligize for my country's actions. We shall avenge your lucky charms

Kalas: Don't you mean Fruit Loops?

Lyude: No

Xelha: Sir, do you know anything about Malpercio or other legends?

Ladekahn: My mother once told me that mole people lived on the moon. Oh, and I heard that there was a weirdass magnus in the cave in the castle's backyard

Kalas: To the backyard!!

**(In the cave thingy whose name I can't remember)**

Lyude: This wind which is like a soothing melody to my ears... It's ruining my gorgeous scarlet hair!

Xelha: Oh shut up Lyude

Gibari: Why is he even with us?

(The transexual monster thingy appeared)

Transexual Monster: Godforsaken fools, you shall now perish

Kalas: Oh yeah? Blue Storm!!

(The attack did nothing)

Kalas: Why didn't it work!?

Lyude: Kalas, it's a wind based attack and the monster's defense is of a wind element so therefore, wind based attacks are ineffective towads it

Kalas: ...What the hell's your point?

Lyude: Idiot...

Xelha: Chronos blow!!

(The monster was defeated)

Kalas: How...?

Gibari: Just leave it Kalas. Only intelligent people would understand

Kalas:...

Transexual Monster: Behold, the End Magnus... Don't hurt yourselves (Disapears into thin air)

(The End Magnus appeared)

Gibari: Is this what we came for? A disco ball?

Lyude: Ooh... shiny...

Gibari: Not really. My boogers are shinier

Lyude:... Pretty light...

Gibari: No Lyude!! Stay away from the light!!

Lyude: (Touches the magnus)

(An earthquake started)

Gibari: It's the end of the world!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

Lyude: (Throws the magnus to Ayme)

Ayme: Told you I'd get revenge! Later suckers! (Flys away)

Kalas: You whore!!

Xelha: Kalas! You shouldn't call Lyude that!!

Lyude: (Passes out)

**(At the Doctor's room)**

Doctor Dude: It seems that he was under some form of hypnosis

Lyude: Oh, the sorrow! Oh, the angst! I don't deserve to be loved! I don't deserve to live! I wish I had a noose to hang myself with!!

Xelha: Lyude! You shouldn't say that! A shot gun would be more effective.

Lyude: Leave me!! Let me wallow in my own despair and self pity!!

Xelha: But-

Lyude: I SAID LEAVE DAMN IT!!!!!!!

(Everyone left)

Gibari: You sure he's gonna be okay?

Doctor Dude: Don't worry, I discarded all the objects he can possibly use to commit suicide

Gibari: What about any water he can use to drown himself?

Doctor: Flushed it all down the toilet

**(The next day)**

Xelha: Lyude, why are you about to jump out the window?

Lyude: Uh, no reason

Xelha: Lyude, why don't you come with us?

Kalas: Hell no!! I don't want that redheaded dweeb to hang us!! (No offense to redheads)

Gibari: (Punches Kalas) The more the merrier!!

Lyude: Really!? You want me to come!? JOYOUS RAPTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gibari: I take it back

Lyude: Come friends! Let us journey into the unknown! Let us journey to find the End Magnus!! Huzzah!!!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

Lyude: And that concludes part one of my tragic life story. Aren't I an emotional wreck? Answer me damn it!!

VGA: Lyude, you're scaring people

Lyude:...

VGA: Anyway, this probably gonna be a three chapter fic. Reviews would be appreciated. Thanks guys!


End file.
